Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
