this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
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Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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