I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
