I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize