I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
