I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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