Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
