Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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