I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
