atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
