Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
