End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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