not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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