so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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