we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
