I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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