and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
