I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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