im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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