Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
