Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
