did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
