Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So many bounce houses so little time
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
