It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
