And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
