sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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