we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
