life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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