Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
