I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
