Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
