the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
