im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
