I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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