i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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