i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
