If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
