I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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