I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
