Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
