I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
