mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
how does that bad decision feel?
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