My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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