Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
