I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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