i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
