Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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