you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
