my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
