Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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