Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
