The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
