my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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