Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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