dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
