my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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