yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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