Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
