Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
